Dead Pianos as Targets- Chhhiiing!

[TunerJeff@aol.com]

Dear List-Folk,
     Go ahead! Laugh! Ha!
But, I HAVE had the curiously refreshing experience of using a dead piano as
a target. Wheee!

     Once upon a time; I recieved a phone call from a lady who wanted to give
me a piano.
This poor thing had been on her back porch for 5 or 6 years, and she was sure
that it was simply garbage (...would I please haul it away?). Naturally, I
assumed that I would be able to revive the creature. Certainly my skill and
effort would allow the piano to survive in useful functional form for several
decades. (NOT! I was young & foolish... this tale begins 12 years ago.)

     What I found was a K & C console painted in shades of bright green &
blue. What I found was a small piano with shattered front legs,  missing
bottom-board, loose sides, floating soundboard above rattling ribs, an action
grey with fungus, rusty strings, and a pile of keytops loosely related to the
wooden keys beneath. Truly, this was an absolutely DEAD piano. (...no bench
either.)
     Well, I had promised to haul the critter off her porch... so I did. I
put this poor thing into the back of my garage/workshop. I promised myself
I'd pull the action & all useful parts and then put the carcass out of it's
(my) misery. Years passed and the piano continued to moulder away.
     The fortunes of my Life drew me to the cloudy skys of Oregon... and the
piano joined the wagon-train (..oooops! I mean into the van.) heading North.
I moved-up with a buddy of mine, who had purchased some 20 acres in the
hills.... and was my piano-moving helper. He was not interested in putting
this thing into his house & had NO shed or storage facility. Clearly, the
console had reached the end of it's utility. What should we do with it?

    My friend decided that we should put the thing up in the clearing atop
the hill... and use it for target practice. He wanted revenge on all the
pianos we had moved! I pulled the action (yup... hadn't done a d*** thing
with it 'til then) and we threw a rope around it.
Yes, my friends... we took that thing for a DRAG up the hill behind his Ford
pick-up. He decided that the grass was too tall in the clearing, so we
circled the area a few times... piano in tow... and flattened a piano-wide
area with each pass. Wheeeee!

    The PSO (Piano-shaped-object) was placed in a comfortable spot, and we
unlimbered my friend's stock of weapons. Some observations;

1. Tuning Pins CAN be driven with a .44-Mag rifle shot. Smaller caliber
weapons don't have the power to accomplish the task, though a .357 hot-load
can drive-em a bit.
2. Keyfronts make a dandy target, and the bullet will travel with the grain
to the back of the key, splitting it neatly in two. Near misses can cause a
keytop to fly approximately 10 feet up and 20 feet sideways. Low shots can
remove a key and fling it over the rear of the piano.
3. Cast-Iron Plates are Bullet-Proof! No amount of fire from any weapon at
our disposal (Including a .45 revolver..) ever damaged the plate. The gilding
would fly, and the bullet would leave a grey smear... but those plates are
TOUGH! Multiple shots to the same spot merely increase the lead content on
the surface.
4. Backposts (4") can stop a .22, .38, 9MM, and .357... but a .44 rifle shot
WILL splinter them.
5. It is possible to sever unisons with a single well placed shot, and there
is a curious noise, too. It's necessary to hit the unison at the bearing-bar
to accomplish the task.
Shots placed in the speaking length never severed more than 1
string-at-a-time.
6. It's fun. (Despite squeamish feeling in my techie-heart on the first day.
My friend had no qualms about it, he REALLY enjoyed blasting at the piano as
revenge for all the pulled muscles, splinters, and crushed toes they had
inflicted on him over the years.)

      The piano served as a target for almost a year, but the rains in Oregon
are fairly steady through most of the calender year. We walked up to the
clearing one day and discovered that the piano had decided enough was enough.
The sides, strung back, and cabinet had completely let go. There was a pile
of collapsed piano bits where a box-shaped object had stood only two days
before. Requiem in pacem.

Sincerely,
Jeffrey T. Hickey, RPT

ps-
    Have also flung a dead piano into a landfill. Had it loaded into a van,
arrived at the 'fill, and placed the van at the top of a cliff. With a "One!
Two! Three!", we shoved the critter from the van. It rotated only a half-turn
on it's way down, and arived at the bottom of it's 30-foot fall on it's side.
PPPWWWAAANNNNG! (Didn't stay to watch the Bulldozer smash it up, 'though...
mebbe next time.)