Roger, I posted your message in Piano World's Piano Forum, and Steve came up with a great response: http://www.paradise-web.com/plus/plus.mirage?who=pianosite&id=10863.68843230371 Subject: The American response DATE: 11/15/2000 (that's 15/11/2000 to you) TO: United Kingdom FROM: The United States of America SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum! However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a 'backwards step' by the majority of the world. To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt: 1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your 'aluminum' example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name 'aluminum' (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into 'aluminum' to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the _original_ spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor. 2. Regarding Microsoft's US English.... That would be count number 194 on the list of monopolistic infringements Bill Gates is facing. Maybe after we exile him he will come and teach you all that hi-tech means more than an RPT standing atop Big Ben. (sorry Steve, but you left out #2 so I added this to get the rest of your reponses to match up) 3. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue. 4. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15) 5. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked 'Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels', 'Trainspotting', and 'The Full Monty'. We've also heard good things about this 'Billy Elliot'. But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front. 6. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Britannia ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt 'Candle In The Wind' again for you guys. 7. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident. 8. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook. 9. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies. 10. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for 'Teletubbies'. Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas. p.s. - regarding WW2: You're Welcome. >From: Roger Jolly <baldyam@sk.sympatico.ca> >Reply-To: pianotech@ptg.org >To: pianotech@ptg.org >Subject: Fwd: Thought you might like this >Date: Thu, 16 Nov 2000 22:08:29 -0600 > >Because of my English heritage, some smart individual on the list, thought >I would find this funny. > >But it may be a solution for you electoral impass. > >No offence intended. > > >NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE > > > > > To the citizens of the United States of America, > > In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus > >to > > govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your > > independence, effective today. > > > > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties > > > >over > >all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she > > > >does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP > >for > >the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world > >outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the > >need > >for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A > >questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of > >you noticed. > > > >To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following > >rules are introduced with immediate effect: > > > >1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. > >Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be > >amazed at > >just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should > >raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". > >Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such > >as "like" and you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of > >communication. Look up "interspersed". > > 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know > >on your behalf. > > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. > >It really isn't that hard. > > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as > >the good guys. > > 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The > >Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you > >to get confused and give up half way through. > >6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind > >of > > football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good > >game. > >The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your > >borders > > may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will > >no > > longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. > >Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a > >difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to > >play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not > >involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar > >body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US > >rugby sevens side by 2005. > >7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if > >they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that here > >is > > a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The > >Russians > >have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". > >8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new > >national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive > >Day". > > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for > >your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what > >we mean. > >10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. > > > > Thank you for your cooperation. > > >Roger Jolly >Saskatoon, Canada. >306-665-0213 >Fax 652-0505 _________________________________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com. Share information about yourself, create your own public profile at http://profiles.msn.com.
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