I had a dream last night. It was a courtroom, the plaintiffs were beginning their case. Plaintiff: Mr. fish@comminique.com, you were the tuner tuning the piano when the plate broke, correct? fish@comminique.com: yes. Plaintiff: You had just explained to Mrs.Customer that extra tuning needed to be done to raise the pitch of the piano, correct? fish@comminique.com: yes Plaintiff: Mrs. Customer's Bosensteinway is a very expensive piano, is it not? fish@comminique.com: yes Plaintiff: No further questions, your honor, I would like to call Mr. unatuner@aol.com to the stand Plaintiff: Mr. unatuner@aol.com, you have been tuning pianos for a very long time, have you not? unatuner@aol.com: Yes almost 30 years. Plaintiff: Tell me, do you yank up the pitch when it is low? unatuner@aol.com: No, I do not Plaintiff: Tell me why unatuner@aol.com: Because I believe it is potentially harmful to the plate, bridge, soundboard and strings. Plaintiff: Do strings break more frequently when an undue strain is applied to them? unatuner@aol.com: Yes, I believe so. Plaintiff: Do you believe a plate could break when an undue strain is applied to it? unatuner@aol.com: Yes Plaintiff: Are you accepting a fee for your opinions? unatuner @aol.com: (Thinking of the times he has called the Worlds Worst tuner) "Ablolutely not, I would'nt think of it" Plaintiff: No further questions your honor Plaintiff: I would like to call Mr. Salesman to the stand Plaintiff: Mr. Salesman, did you sell Mrs. Customer the Bosensteinway? Mr. Salesman: yes, I did Plaintiff: Could you describe the quality of the piano? Mr. Salesman: yes, It is absolutely the finest piano in the world. Plaintiff: What is the current value of the piano? Mr. Salesman: The piano increases tremendously each year. It is worth at least 3 times what Mrs Customer paid for it. Plaintiff: Have you ever experienced a plate breaking under normal conditions? Mr. Salesman: absolutely not. We have never experienced even a sticking key, these pianos are so good. Plaintiff: No further questions your honor, I would like to call Mr. Bosensteinway to the stand Plaintiff: Mr. Bosensteinway, how good are your pianos? Mr. Bosensteinway: They are absolutely the finest pianos in the world. Period. Plaintiff: Have you ever experienced a broken plate? Mr. Bosensteinway: Absolutely not, we have never had even so much as a sticking key on one of our pianos Plaintiff: Mr. Bosensteinway, do you recommend that tuners yank up the pitch when tuning your pianos? Mr. Bosensteinway: Why no we don't. We are unable to monitor what the tuners are doing to our pianos. We leave it to their discretion. Plaintiff: Mr. Bosensteinway, would you say that it is gentler on the frame to add tension gently, over a period of time, or yank it up all at once. Mr. Bosensteinway: Well, to do it over time. Plaintiff: How much does it cost to replace this plate? Mr. Bosensteinway: We do not make these plates any more, the piano must be replaced Plaintiff: I rest my case, your honor It dosent look good, Warren The jury returns Judge: Have you reached a verdict, ladies and gentlemen? Jury: Yes, your honor Judge: What is it Jury: "APRIL FOOLS" Judge: "NOT" epilogue: 4 months later finds Warren cleaning out his Palm Springs estate to settle a huge judgement, the deputy cannot locate the Heisman trophys or any Super Bowl rings alleged to be the last of Warren's final remaining possessions. Warren is appealing the decision. Respectfully submitted by Jerry Wood
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