[Fwd: rules for dating my daughter...]

[Greg Newell]

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: rules for dating my daughter...
Date: Fri, 1 Sep 2000 17:22:57 EDT
From: E39mom@aol.com
To: gnewell@ameritech.net

Thanks again for the tuning! It was good to see you - take care of your
back. 
Here's the rules I promised you - enjoy!  Esther
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:  If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a 
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:  You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may  glance
at 
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her  neck.  If you
cannot 
keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:  I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys  of
your 
age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off 
their hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all  of
your 
friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about 
this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with
your 
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not
object.  
However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not,  in fact, come off 
during the course of your date with my daughter, I  will take my
electric 
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:  I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without 
utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.  Let me
elaborate: 
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:  In order for us to get to know each other, we should  talk
about 
sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.
The 
only information I require from you is an indication of  when you expect
to 
have my daughter safely back at my house, and the  only word I need from
you 
on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:  I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities 
to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my 
daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will 
continue to date NO ONE but her until she is finished with you.  If you
make 
her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:  As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my  daughter
to 
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you
want 
to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is 
putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the 
Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don't you do 
something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:  The following places are NOT appropriate for a date  with
my 
daughter:  Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a 
wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns
within 
eyesight.  Places where there is darkness.  Places where there is
dancing, 
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm 
enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or 
anything other  than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka  zipped
up 
to her throat.  Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided;  movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
Hockey 
games are okay. Old  folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied,  balding, 
middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am 
the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you
are 
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole 
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres 
behind the house. Do not play with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me  to
mistake 
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
rice 
paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in 
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
my 
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
your car 
with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce
in a 
clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then 
return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.