[pianotech] You don't really have to been a "handyman" to enjoythese

[Carl Teplitski]

Some years ago, an acqaintance ( tuner ) and I were driving to a chapter meeting in North Dakota.
We started to discuss  clients who think when you come to tune his / her piano, you actually
refirbish the whole thing. You know, fix all sticking keys, broken hammers, etc. All for the cost of
the tuning.  As we spoke, more of these funny things came to mind.  We actually considered writing
these down, and after consulting with other tuners , writing a book containing same. We know there 
must be hundreds of funny, and some not so funny at the time, examples of the ones you wrote.
They are funny to me, because I think I've done most of them .   Our discussion never went any further, 
but it was fun while we were on the road.   With all the bad things that happen to us during a days work,
it's nice to know we're not the only ones these things happen to.  ( stuff happens ) Misery loves company.

Carl / Winnipeg
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Noah Frere 
  To: pianotech at ptg.org 
  Sent: Wednesday, February 11, 2009 9:04 PM
  Subject: Re: [pianotech] You don't really have to been a "handyman" to enjoythese


  unfortunately, very funny


  On Wed, Feb 11, 2009 at 1:47 PM, <wimblees at aol.com> wrote:


    How did this guy know what I use these tools for?

    Enjoy.

    Wim 


    > >
    > >TOOLS EXPLAINED ~
    > >DRILL PRESS:
    > >A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar 
    > >stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings 
    > >your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which 
    > >you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
    > >-----
    > >WIRE WHEEL:
    > >Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the 
    > >workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and 
    > >hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to 
    > >say, 'Oh sh -- '

    > >-----
    > >ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
    > >Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of 
    > >old age.
    > >-----
    > >SKILL SAW:
    > >A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
    > >-----
    > >PLIERS:
    > >Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of 
    > >blood-blisters.
    > >-----
    > >BELT SANDER:
    > >An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs 
    > >into major refinishing jobs.
    > >-----
    > >HACKSAW:
    > >One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. 
    > >It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and 
    > >the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your 
    > >future becomes.
    > >-----
    > >VISE-GRIPS:
    > >Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If 
    > >nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense 
    > >welding heat to the palm of your hand.
    > >-----
    > >OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    > >Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your 
    > >shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub 
    > >out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
    > >-----
    > >TABLE SAW:
    > >A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood 
    > >projectiles for testing wall integrity.


    > >-----
    > >HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    > >Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have 
    > >installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
    > >-----
    > >BAND SAW:
    > >A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good 
    > >aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the 
    > >trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
    > >-----
    > >TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    > >A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you 
    > >forgot to disconnect.
    > >PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    > >Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening 
    > >old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but 
    > >can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw 
    > >heads.
    > >-----
    > >STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    > >A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common 
    > >slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
    > >-----
    > >PRY BAR:
    > >A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you 
    > >needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
    > >-----
    > >HOSE CUTTER:
    > >A tool used to make hoses too short.
    > >
    > >-----
    > >HAMMER:
    > >Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used 
    > >as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent 
    > >the object we are trying to hit.
    > >-----
    > >UTILITY KNIFE:
    > >Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons 
    > >delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents 
    > >such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector 
    > >magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially 
    > >useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
    > >-----
    > >DAMN-IT TOOL:
    > >Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while 
    > >yelling 'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, 
    > >the next tool that you will need.
    > >.




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