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<DIV><BR><EM>Sorry I didn't have these for yesterday:</EM></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><STRONG>ST. PATRICK'S DAY GROANERS</STRONG></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?<BR>A: Real rocks are
too heavy.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?<BR>A: Because they're
always a little short.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?<BR>A: He's Dublin
over with laughter!</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's
Day?<BR>A: St. O'Claus!</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?<BR>A: Sure, they're green with
envy!</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football
player?<BR>A: The Halfback of Notre Dame!</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?<BR>A: Because they're
very short-tempered!</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."<BR>"Oh, really?"<BR>"No,
O'Reilly!"</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>------</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><EM>Cecil shares this one:</EM></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the
benefit of the AARP. She changed (slightly) the lyrics to one of her
favorite songs, as follows: </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>"Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, <BR>Walkers and handrails
and new dental fittings, <BR>Bundles of magazines tied up in string, <BR>These
are a few of my favorite things. <BR> <BR>Cadillacs and cataracts and
hearing aids and glasses, <BR>Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
<BR>Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, <BR>These are a few of my
favorite things. <BR> <BR>When the pipes leak, <BR>When the bones creak,
<BR>When the knees go bad, <BR>I simply remember my favorite things, <BR>And
then I don't feel so bad. <BR> <BR>Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for
bunions, <BR>No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, <BR>Bathrobes and
heat pads and hot meals they bring, <BR>These are a few of my favorite things.
<BR> <BR>Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin', <BR>Thin
bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', <BR>And we won't mention our
short shrunken frames, <BR>When we remember our favorite things.
<BR> <BR>When the joints ache, <BR>when the hips break, <BR>When the eyes
grow dim, <BR>Then I remember the great life I've had, <BR>And then I don't feel
so bad." </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over
four minutes and repeated encores. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>------</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><STRONG>How To Keep Your Sanity</STRONG></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her
best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest
and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend
said.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how
things were going.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that playpen with a good
book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>------</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><EM>And finally,</EM></DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>Eager to make her mark in the world of business, the attractive new MBA
took a job as executive assistant to the middle-aged owner of a fast-growing
computer software company. She found the work challenging and the travel
interesting, but was extremely annoyed by her boss's tendency to treat her in
public as though she were his girlfriend rather than a professional
associate.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on
ordering for her, and on calling her Dearest or Darling within earshot of the
waiters. </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>When she told him how much it bothered her, he promised to stop, but the
patronizing behavior continued. Finally, as he led her into a four-star
restaurant, she took matters into her own hands.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>"Where would you like to sit, sweetheart?" he asked, with a wink at the
maitre d'.</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV>"Gee," she replied, "anywhere you say, Dad."</DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><BR>-$3 ("If you don't like the news, go out and make
some.")</DIV></FONT></FONT></BODY></HTML>