A hearty laugh via our son.... Merry Christmas! J & G

[Ron Berry]

A hearty laugh from a friend of mine.

Ron


>
>Letters from
>    Miss Agnes Hellenstein
>    69 Cash Avenue
>    Beaver Valley, Colorado
>
>December 14, 1994
>
>Dearest John:
>I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pair
>tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
>surprised!
>With Love and Deepest Devotion,
>Agnes
>
>
>December 15, 1994
>
>Dearest John:
>Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - two turtle
>doves!  I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
>All My Love,
>Agnes
>
>
>December 16, 1994
>
>Dear John:
>Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't
>deserve such generosity - three French hens. They are just darling but I
>must
>insist that you've been too kind.
>Love,
>Agnes
>
>
>December 17, 1994
>
>Dear John:
>Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they're beautiful
>but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
>Affectionately,
>Agnes
>
>
>December 18, 1994
>
>Dearest John:
>What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings, one for every
>finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
>squaking were beginning to get on my nerves.
>All my love,
>Agnes
>
>
>December 19, 1994
>
>Dear John:
>When I opened the door, there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front
>steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
>will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep
>through the racket!  Please stop!
>Cordially,
>Agnes
>
>
>December 20, 1994
>
>John:
>What's with you and those f**king birds?? 7 Swans a-swimming. What kind of
>God Damn joke is this? There's bird sh*t all over the house and they never
>stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's
>not funny, so stop with those f**king birds.
>Sincerely,
>Agnes
>
>
>December 21, 1994
>
>OK Buster:
>I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8
>maids-a-milking. It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking,
>but they had to bring their God Damn Cows! There's shit all over the lawn,
>and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
>Agnes
>
>
>December 22, 1994
>
>Hey Sh*thead:
>What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ
>do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here
>yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
>those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
>petition to evict me.
>You'll get yours!
>Agnes
>
>
>December 23, 1994
>
>You Rotten Prick:
>Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
>They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep
>and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh*t. The
>commissioner
>of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
>condemned. I'm siccing the police on you.
>One who means it.
>Agnes
>
>
>December 24, 1994
>
>Listen, Fu*khead:
>What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those
>broads will never walk agin. Those pipers ran through the maids and have
>been
>committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been
>trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious
>swine.
>Your sworn enemy,
>Agnes
>
>
>
>
>>From the Law Offices of Bodger, Bender and Cahole
>303 Knave Street
>Denver, Colorado
>
>December 25, 1994
>
>Dear Sir:
>This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you
>have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss AGnes Hellenstein. The
>destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
>attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Hellenstein at Happy Dale
>Sanitorium, the attendants have instruction to shoot on sight.
>With this letter, Please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
>Cordially,
>
> --
>Thank you,
>
>Malcolm
>
>
>Malcolm Phillips                       Phone Number:  61-2-237-6387
>Macquarie Bank Ltd.                    Internet  Id:
>mphillip@macquarie.com.au
>
> ----- End Included Message -----