Huh??

[Vanderhoofven]

At 09:47 AM 7/30/96 -0400, you wrote:
>    In response to Rob:
>
>    All we would need is Tuner Police.  Get caught leaving bad unisons and
>    you'll get slapped with a hefty fine.  Get caught tuning without your
>    tuning license and go to jail.  Tuning while drunk could certainly get
>    you into trouble.  And don't tune too fast.  Of course, there will have
>    to be new companies that offer Tuners insurance.  And new government
>    agencies and regulations.  Can't get a Tuners license without proof of
>    insurance.  And, oh, the lines we'd have to wait in at the Department of
>    Musical Tuners to take our Tuning tests.  Don't forget about the license
>    fee, and be sure to register your tuning hammer - AFTER you have your
>    tuning hammer tested at your local state sponsored Tuning Hammer Check
>    Center.  Listen to the radio more carefully for the random
>    unison-checkpoints set up by your state's Tuner Patrol.  And do you
>    think electronic tuners will mind having the "tuning restrictions"
>    section of their tuning license marked "MACHINE REQUIRED?"  It'd be just
>    a matter of time before somebody establishes a new class of
>    folks demanding special rights:  the National Association of Tuners Who
>    Use Machines.  Hey Steve, maybe you can use this in the Grand Illusions
>    feature of the Journal?
>
>    All in pun,
>
>    John Piesik
>    San Diego Chapter PTG
>    JPIESIK@ARINC.COM
>
>Regarding this aural/machine tuning thing...
>
>Like driver's licences, tuners should carry tuning licences. You
>receive your licence by passing the aural tuning exam, and if you use
>a machine, you have an attachment to your tuning licence, much like
>the attachment you need if you wear glasses on your regular driver's
>licence. Maybe you can have different classes of licences, ie:
>Class 1: all stringed instruments
>Class 2: regular verticals and grands
>Class 3: harpsichords, pianofortes
>Class 4: spinets and consoles
>Class 5: learner's permit, requires an RPT present...


While we are discussing ways the government could save the piano tuning
industry (read: while we are discussing ways the government could regulate
and stifle the piano tuning industry), what shall we do about those people
who can not afford to have their pianos tuned regularly?  I propose a new
Federal Bureau of PianoCare, designed to allow the government to financially
assist those who could not otherwise pay for the work their "wild spinet"
needs.

Of course, with the new PianoCare, and PianoCaid programs, needy musiciams
(is there any other kind of musician?) would receive free piano maintenance.
Then there would be AFDP (Aid to Families with Dependent Pianos) and monthly
Piano Stamps.  Piano Stamps would work the same way as cash, but they would
be redeemable only through authorized piano tooners (those piano tooners who
have their piano tooning license, insurance, tuning hammer inspection form,
etc.).  Just think of all of the new jobs these PianoCare program would
generate!

President:  " I feel your pain, (I can hear how bad your piano sounds) and I
want to help".

This new programs would create jobs for administrators and managers, piano
social workers who would do monthly inspections of pianos.  The government
would need to hire clerks and typists to process the mountains of triplicate
forms.  There would be tuning lever inspectors who would affix an official
seal on your tuning lever on an annual basis. There would be piano tooning
inspectors and examiners, and most importantly, more work for piano tooners.

There will always be those detractors who say that the government has no
place providing PianoCare, and that it should be privatized.  They will say
that these programs will create a permanent piano underclass of people who
are on the programs for generations.  They will say that this will create a
black market for Piano Stamps and contribute to massive fraud.  But those
detractors just don't care about pianos.

Write your Senator or Congressman to let you know how you feel about this
important issue.

****************
All proposed programs as listed above are fictional and in no way resemble
in any fashion any government program living or dead.  Any resemblence is
merely a coincedence.

Written with tongue firmly planted in cheek!

David A. Vanderhoofven
Joplin, MO
dkvander@clandjop.com