Hi to all once again.
Ben Meade is a member of our Sunday school class and shared this with us
last Sunday. Hope you enjoy it as we did.
> >
> >
> >> The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the
> >> early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
> >> about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
> >> decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North
> >> Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business.
> >> Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's
> >> market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of
> >> the profit picture.
> >>
> >> The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
> >> model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity
> >> from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
> >> anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne
> >> environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received
> >> unfavorable press.
> >>
> >> I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
> >> Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
> >> denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
> >> Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance
> >> abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did
> >> pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of
> >> Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is
> >> known to be under executive stress.
> >>
> >> As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
> >> Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
> >> immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the
> >> "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
> >>
> >> - The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never
> >> turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be
> >> replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable
> >> savings in maintenance;
> >>
> >> - The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply
> >> not cost effective. In addition, their romance during
> >> working hours could not be condoned. The positions are
> >> therefore eliminated;
> >>
> >> - The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
> >> loves the French;
> >>
> >> - The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice
> >> mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is
> >> underway to determine who the birds have been calling,
> >> how often and how long they talked;
> >>
> >> - The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
> >> Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity
> >> could have negative implications for institutional
> >> investors. Diversification into other precious metals as
> >> well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear
> >> to be in order;
> >>
> >> - The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no
> >> longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the
> >> production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example
> >> of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go,
> >> and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
> >> will assure management that from now on every goose it
> >> gets will be a good one;
> >>
> >> - The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
> >> better times. The function is primarily decorative.
> >> Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be
> >> retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance
> >> their outplacement;
> >>
> >> - As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
> >> heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the
> >> workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider
> >> this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of
> >> the process may permit the maids to try a-mending,
> >> a-mentoring or a-mulching;
> >>
> >> - Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This
> >> function will be phased out as these individuals grow older
> >> and can no longer do the steps;
> >>
> >> - Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus
> >> the expense of international air travel prompted the
> >> Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with
> >> ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be
> >> somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we
> >> expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
> >>
> >> - Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
> >> case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a
> >> string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will
> >> produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom
> >> line;
> >>
> >> We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
> >> and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
> >> deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
> >> day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the
> >> attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession
> >> ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
> >>
> >> Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary
> >> in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
> >> request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
> >> dwarfs is the right number.
> >>
> >>
> >
> >The address for Coles Brain Drain is http://web.wt.net/~eloc
> take a look when you have time.
> Ben Meade
>
Travis Gordy
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