OT- Tool Time

[Dale Probst]

 HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays  
 is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far  
 from the object we are trying to hit.
  
  ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in  
 their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for  
 drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that  
 goes to the rear wheel.
  
  PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
  
  HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin  
 principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable  
 motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more  
 dismal your future becomes.
  
  VISE-GRIPS: Also can be used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else

 is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat 
 to  the palm of your hand.
  
  OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various  
 flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the  
 grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out  
 of.
  
  DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching  
 flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the  
 chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against  
 that freshly painted part you were drying.
  
  WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere  
 under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint  
 whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you  
 to say, "Ouc...."
  
  TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
  
  E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes  
 and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
  
  TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile  
 strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to  
 disconnect.
  
  BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric  
 acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after  
 determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you  
 thought.
  
  PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style  
 paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be  
 used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
  
  PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or  
 bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  
  HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.