The Butt of Death -novelette-

[Kristinn Leifsson]

The following is a short horror story based on yesterday´s events.  If you 
don´t want to read it, don´t.

If you do, do.  And read with a British accent.
















								Gluteus Mortis

									










The young piano tuner awoke early.  Today would be an eventful day.  The 
week had passed quickly, for he had ample work and his mental stability was 
at an all-time high.  As he stepped out onto the tiled floor of the 
apartment and let the morning sun warm his toes and torso, he gazed out 
onto the surrounding fields.

"There´s the mountain" he thought, "yup, still there"


The first thing he did every morning was to view the scriptures of the High 
Counsel.  As his computer gained access to the world, he went to insert his 
visually augmenting lenses.

"One of these days I´ll have that corrective ocular surgical procedure", he 
thought.

He viewed the wisdom of the High Counsel.  It had been good to him the past 
year, he looked forward to his future indoctrination.
Not in the habit of eating during sleep, he felt the surge of peptic 
activity going through his body.

"I´ll have to insert some biological material into my esophageal tract", he 
thought.

He opened the refrigerator... the cold annoyed his nipples, so he chose his 
condiments hastily.

"Mmmm, maltose" he thought as he chewed and let his maltase catalyze the 
polysaccharides.

A glimpse caught the attention of his left eye and right cerebral 
hemisphere.  The contractile elements of his sternocleidomastoideus caused 
him to look out onto the fields again, and see the ever-changing view of 
the two-score equine animals.

"I would like to kill one of those and drink its blood", he mused 
peacefully, clearly affected by his paint-ball combat the day before.

He liked horse.

He also liked whale.

Interesting was the fact that the bovine condiment he was eating did not 
appeal to him in the way whale meat did, even though bovine and whale 
matter had quite the genetic resemblance.

He finished.

Now was the time to show what he was made of.

He needed to replace a unit.  This unit had quite an important role in the 
relation between the malleus and the malleus glutealis.

It was the malleus tibialis.


He had sought the advice of the High Counsel 34,7 hours ago on the 
extraction of the atretic elements;

			"Simplify your life. Put the darned thing into the microwave
			for about 10 seconds and you should be able to extract the
			shank. Nothing will happen otherwise. I have done this a
			bunch of times and I could see no difference. Of course, I
			can't see anyway so...
				Newton"

To the young tuner, this seemed like excellent advice.

Grand Master Newton had been good to the young one, and His wisdom was to 
be trusted. "The Laws of Newton" were there for a reason.

There was a slight hiss as the hydraulic mechanism in the beech cabinet 
caused the revelation of the Microwave Oven.  He liked beech.

He had used the Oven on several occasions.  He had seen its power.  He knew 
all the dangers.


He knew.


He was young for his age, but remembered a younger existence yet.  An 
existence in which he had carelessly placed a gilded plate into the 
Oven.  The sparks were still vivid to him.  As he closed his eyes he felt a 
slight excretion on his nape.  The excretion accumulated and ran down his 
back.  As the sweat reached his lumbar area he felt a wave of nausea.

He opened the Oven.

He placed the malleus glutealis with the atretic tibial component in the 
center of the Oven.  He did not have time to de-pin the flange.
He did not care.  He set the Oven on III and prepared himself to count to 
ten without error.  He pressed The ON.

A nanosecond passed without incident, but the young man did not notice for 
his neural pathways operated in milliseconds.

He had not even the time to blink his eyes.

Rapid oxidation caused the unit to burst into flames.  The young one 
overcame his fears, shut down the Oven and opened it with great swiftness.

The stench was unbearable.  Noxious fumes engulfed him and the automatic 
defense mechanism of his body yanked him backwards.
As the smoke cleared he found the courage to reinspect the situation.

The gluteal component was not to be saved.  The thin and metallic malleus 
elasticens had oxidized extensively and taken with it the subjacent loop.




He did not like  Grand Master Newton.

The skies darkened and a pair of gilded ravens flew westward.

He grinned.

He was thirsty.



-kl-